Setting Boundaries When You Were Taught to Be “Nice”
Hey there,
If you grew up hearing that it’s important to be polite, easygoing, or agreeable, then it might feel hard to say no. Maybe you worry about disappointing people, or you go along with things even when it doesn’t feel right. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Many of us were taught that being “nice” was the most important thing. That kindness meant keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, and always putting others first. And while there’s nothing wrong with being kind, that message can make it really hard to set healthy boundaries as an adult.
Let’s talk about why that is, what it can cost you, and how to begin setting boundaries in ways that feel honest, grounded, and doable.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
If you find yourself people pleasing or feeling guilty when you set limits, it’s not because you’re weak. These patterns often develop from early life experiences. For example:
You were rewarded for being compliant or “low-maintenance”
You had to manage someone else’s emotions growing up
You were taught that conflict is dangerous or disrespectful
Your culture or community placed a strong value on obedience or self-sacrifice
For many women, LGBTQIA+ folks, BIPOC individuals, or those raised in faith-based or collectivist households, these dynamics are especially common. Survival often meant being likable, agreeable, and emotionally attuned to others at the expense of your own needs.
That is not a character flaw. That is a survival skill. But it may no longer be serving you.
What It Looks Like Today
You might notice:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Feeling anxious before or after setting a limit
Overexplaining your decisions to avoid seeming selfish
Apologizing for taking up space
Feeling burnt out but unsure how to pull back
It’s easy to mistake these patterns for kindness, but if being “nice” constantly drains you, that’s a sign something needs to shift. Boundaries are not about being mean. They are about being clear, self-respecting, and connected to your own truth.
How to Start Reclaiming Your Voice
Here are a few gentle, practical ways to begin setting boundaries when you weren’t given the tools to do it earlier in life.
1. Start with “Pause Before Yes”
If you tend to say yes automatically, build in time to check in with yourself. Try saying:
“Let me think about that and get back to you”
“I’ll need to check my schedule first”
“I want to be thoughtful before I commit to anything”
This gives you space to ask yourself what you actually want or need, rather than reacting out of habit.
2. Try Kind, Clear Language
You don’t need to give a long explanation. You can be respectful and firm at the same time. Here are some examples:
“I’m not able to take that on right now”
“That doesn’t work for me, but I hope it goes well”
“I’d rather not talk about that topic today”
“I hear you, but I need to do what feels right for me”
If you need help finding the words, this resource offers simple scripts for setting boundaries from therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab. Her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, is also a fantastic guide for building healthy limits and unlearning guilt.
3. Remember That Discomfort Is Part of Growth
Setting boundaries might feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even scary at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re practicing something new.
You are not responsible for how others respond to your boundaries. You are only responsible for expressing them with honesty and care.
If someone pushes back, try reminding yourself:
“I am allowed to say no.”
“I am not responsible for keeping everyone happy.”
“I can be kind without abandoning myself.”
This article from Psychology Today offers helpful insights on why saying no can feel impossible and how to practice it with more confidence.
4. Redefine What “Nice” Actually Means
Real kindness includes self-respect. If being nice always means self-sacrifice, that’s not kindness…it’s self-neglect. Healthy boundaries help you show up more fully, more consistently, and with less resentment.
Being well-boundaried can sound like:
“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity this week”
“I value our relationship, and I want to be honest about what I can and can’t do”
“I need to take care of myself in this moment, and that means saying no”
If this feels overwhelming, this guide on setting boundaries for people-pleasers from PsychCentral offers simple, affirming advice to get you started.
For Those Navigating Intersectional Identities
If you are part of a marginalized group, boundary work can be even more layered. You may be navigating dynamics related to:
Safety in professional or medical settings
Cultural or family norms that discourage speaking up
The emotional labor of code-switching or self-monitoring
This work isn’t just about personal growth. It’s about reclaiming your worth and your space in systems that haven’t always protected or affirmed you.
This podcast episode from Therapy for Black Girls explores how people-pleasing shows up for women of color and offers language for boundary-setting in culturally sensitive ways.
You can also find inclusive mental health providers and community-centered resources through Inclusive Therapists.
And if you're navigating this as a parent or caregiver, Parents Helping Parents offers support groups for those caring for adults with developmental disabilities.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
If you’re unlearning the idea that your worth is tied to how useful, easygoing, or agreeable you are, I want you to know:
You are not selfish for setting limits
You are not mean for protecting your energy
You are not failing for needing rest or distance
This is what healing looks like. It is messy and nonlinear and deeply human.
You can still be kind. You can still be generous. You can still be you.
And you can do all of that while also honoring your needs.
If boundary work feels hard, therapy can be a space to explore the guilt, the fear, and the history behind it. We can work together to build a version of “kindness” that includes you, too.
If you're ready, I’m here when you need me.
With care,
Kendra Sievers, LCSW
Contact Me