Why Coping Skills Don’t Always Work & What to Try Instead
Hey there,
If you’ve ever tried to use a coping skill during a tough moment, only to feel like it didn’t help at all, you’re definitely not alone.
Maybe you journaled, took a walk, or tried some deep breathing, but still ended up feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or stuck in your thoughts. And then maybe, afterward, you found yourself wondering:
“Why isn’t this working?”
“Am I doing something wrong?”
“Shouldn’t I be better at this by now?”
Let me be really clear. You’re not doing anything wrong.
The truth is, coping skills aren’t magic. They’re not always enough on their own. Especially when you’re navigating stress, trauma, burnout, or neurodivergence, even your best intentions can fall flat.
So let’s talk about why that happens and what you can try instead.
When Coping Starts to Feel Like a Checklist
Most of us are familiar with the standard list of “go to” coping skills:
Take a deep breath
Go for a walk
Journal your thoughts
Call a friend
Meditate or practice mindfulness
And these things can be helpful. But they’re not one-size-fits-all. When we treat them like a checklist or a quick fix, it can backfire. Instead of feeling comforted, we end up discouraged when they don’t work the way we hoped.
You might start to wonder:
Why do I still feel anxious after meditating?
Why does journaling make me spiral sometimes instead of soothe me?
Why do I feel numb even after grounding exercises?
Here’s the part that often gets left out. Timing matters. So does your nervous system state. So does what your body actually needs in that moment.
It’s Not You. It Might Be the Skill or the Timing
If your nervous system is in fight or flight mode, being told to “just breathe” can feel impossible or even make things worse.
If you’re in a shutdown or freeze state, journaling might feel like trying to climb a mountain with no legs.
This is where the concept of the Window of Tolerance can be really helpful. Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, it describes the optimal zone where your brain and body can process emotions, make decisions, and stay regulated. When you’re outside that window, whether you’re panicked, numb, overstimulated, or checked out, your usual coping tools might not land.
Here’s a helpful explainer on the Window of Tolerance from NICABM
It’s not that your tools are broken. It’s just that your system might need something else first, like co-regulation, sensory input, or simple rest.
What to Try Instead: Support First, Then Strategy
If the things that usually help just aren’t cutting it, that’s not a failure. It’s feedback. Here are a few things that might feel better right now.
1. Regulate First, Reflect Later
When your nervous system is on edge, it’s often more effective to focus on sensory regulation before jumping into journaling or problem-solving.
Try:
Holding an ice cube or splashing cold water on your face
Wrapping yourself in a blanket or using a weighted lap pad
Pressing your feet firmly into the floor
Listening to calming background sounds or steady music
These can help shift your body into a state where coping strategies feel more useful.
Check out this list of sensory grounding strategies
2. Co-Regulate Before You Go It Alone
Sometimes the most regulating thing you can do is not be alone. We are wired for connection. Being with someone who feels safe and steady, even virtually, can help your nervous system settle.
This might look like:
Calling a trusted friend
Sending a quick “Can you remind me I’m okay?” text
Sitting with your pet
Watching comforting videos or shows that help you feel less alone
3. Redefine What “Coping” Even Means
Let’s be real. Coping doesn’t always look graceful.
Sometimes it means canceling plans, crying in the shower, taking a nap in the middle of the day, or zoning out to your favorite comfort show. Sometimes it means doing nothing at all and letting that be enough.
That is okay.
Healing is rarely tidy. Coping isn’t about being productive. It’s about meeting yourself where you are, with honesty and compassion.
For more on this idea, check out Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price, Ph.D.
A Gentle Reminder: You’re Not Failing at Healing
If you’re burned out, grieving, overwhelmed, or simply trying to survive in a world that asks more than it gives, you’re not going to “skill” your way out of distress every time.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It just means you’re human.
Coping isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about caring for yourself. It’s about listening to what you need and responding without judgment.
And if you're feeling stuck or unsure of what actually works for you, therapy can be a place to explore that. Together we can build a toolbox that supports your nervous system and honors your experience.
You deserve that kind of care.
Resources for Extra Support
Looking for more support or tools? These might be helpful:
You’re Doing the Best You Can, and That’s Enough
If your usual coping skills haven’t been working lately, please don’t blame yourself…
Blame the systems that wear us down.
Blame the messages that tell us we’re supposed to be fine all the time.
Blame the idea that healing is a straight line.
Then, gently, come back to yourself.
You are allowed to need something different. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to redefine what coping looks like for you.
And if you’re looking for support along the way, I’d be honored to walk with you. Reach out anytime to connect.
You’re not alone in this.
With care,
Kendra Sievers
LCSW